I could use some prayer...

I'm asking for your prayers. For many things, most of which I won't go into here. But one that I would appreciate your intercession for...

Today is my 105th consecutive day with a headache. That's every single day this semester and for a week before it. Today is also the third consecutive day I have had a migraine, and fifth day out of the last seven that I have. I am very tired. I am more than willing to continue to persevere if God so wills it; I do, however, need your prayers for strengthening.

What amazes me is the grace God has given me. This is such a testimony - that, in the midst of dealing with these headaches so continuously, His will is still being accomplished in my life, His glory becoming ever more clear to me. He has even blessed me scholastically in ways I do not deserve this semester, and He has kept me in spite of the frequent difficulty of focusing through the pain. I am in awe of His grace and His goodness and His mighty working in my life - at times through these very headaches as He has used them to teach me reliance on Him alone.

I am somewhat frustrated because of the difficulty of getting in to see my doctor right now. Things have been delayed because of insurance, schedule conflicts, etc. I was supposed to have an appointment this coming Monday morning, but my doctor will not be able to be in the office... so I don't know when it will be. I hope it's soon. In the meantime, there is simply more opportunity to praise the God of gods, the King of all who has been so immensely faithful in this time. I know He has a purpose for this, and I'm extremely excited to see the outworking of that in my life.

So I ask for your prayers, because I need them, but I also hope that the testimony of all God is doing in the midst of this circumstance is an encouragement to you. God bless you all, and may His peace keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus!

- Chris

The "little" things

So, they had chicken parmesan in the cafeteria tonight. First time of the evenings when I've gone to the caf in about two months that that's happened. It's my favorite thing they make there, and it was there tonight. God knows, and He is faithful. Little blessings, little encouragements - not so little, really. He's amazing.

God bless, and peace be with you all.

- Chris

God

I don't understand You right now, God. I don't understand why you've had me walk this path, nor why You've taken me once again to this place.

But - and here's what amazes me - it's okay. You are God. You are amazing, beyond compare, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the God of all the universe, beyond our comprehension. You made the world with a word, You created the vastness and the splendor of this universe with a breath. You set the worlds in motion; You started the stars on their long dance; You spun the quarks in their steps. You who are greatest became least; You accomplished the most magnificent act in the most horrific manner; You rewrote history and remade humanity.

You are GOD! I cannot proclaim loudly enough, not if I could amplify my voice a billion times, how great and how awesome You are. I cannot speak long enough of Your awesome deeds. No symphony I could compose could even hint at Your splendor.

So though a tear runs down my cheek, I will rejoice! How can there be joy? the human heart asks, when instead it ought to cry out, How can there be anything but joy? I will sing praises to the Lord, to my God and King, to Him who sits enthroned in the Heavens forever and ever! Praise be to God - the perfect Father whose love is greater than the sweep of the sky; the Son who became the Sacrifice, a perfectly spotless Lamb; the Spirit who is a Comforter like no other, a Counselor beyond compare. Holy God, I worship You!

Fall on your knees before the God of all, the Lord of everything and everyone, the King who sits enthroned forever and ever. Amen.

- Chris

Sometimes the night was beautiful...

Sometimes by Step - Rich Mullins

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so much work left to do
But so much You'd already done

Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that, no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach

Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night . . .)
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(. . . Was beautiful)
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(So beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Oh God, you are my God)
And I will follow You all of my days
(Oh God, you are my God)
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night . . .)
And I will follow You all of my days

The night is beautiful. And no matter what, every star in the sky as we look up, gaze at its beauty and majesty - the glory of God revealed in a microcosm that is to us a macrocosm - every tiny white pinprick is a reminder of God's promises and His power to fulfill them. He always does.

He always does.

God bless you all, and good night.

- Chris

Yes!

Urgent reading to be found right here. The Supreme Court just handed down its ruling on the 2003 ban on partial birth abortions. And it's really, really good news... praise God. It's the first fruits of President Bush's appointments of strict constructionist judges to the Supreme Court, and it excites me to no end.

(I know I'm going to catch some flack on this. I don't mind. Just understand that I hold the views I do because I believe Scripture supports them, as well as because of considerable evidence from psychology and sociology.)

Grace and peace to all of you.

Sourced: Mary Katherine Ham/Townhall.com

- Chris

Pain and suffering and death...

I've been thinking a lot about pain, suffering, and death today. It was not something I wanted to dwell on, but rather something forced on me by circumstances: (warning: the first link is hard to read) Virginia Tech, Heather, and Sheryl. There is so very much suffering in this world, so very much pain and loss and agony. It reaches deep down within us, a yearning that defies words' capability to express: to be free of this world where everything seems to go wrong - and for what? We rarely glimpse any hint of a higher purpose. What, we call out in the night as we lie awake, can God possibly do that is good out of 32 victims being gunned down on a university campus? What good can He accomplish through a brain tumor, or a death from the quick onset of cancer? And we don't hear any good answers.

So we usually blame God. I've been reading Job for the last week or so. His friends get it wrong a lot - but so does Job. He considers himself righteous enough to merit God's favor and blessing. He completely misses the degree of our sinfulness - that God owes us nothing, that whatever favor He grants us is just that: favor. This terrible world, in all its darkness, with all its horrific bitterness and hatred and malice... it's our fault. Yours. Mine. Ours. We did this. We rebelled and turned the beauty that God had created this earth and especially human relationships to be into something perverted, something blacker than the night sky - something evil. We deserve whatever "misfortunes" come our way - horrible though that sounds. It's the truth, painful though it is to hear.

Gladly for us, it's not the whole truth. The whole truth is that God's love is bigger than our sin - even with the great and terrible magnitude of our sin, the destruction that it has sown in this world. God in Christ died to save us from this mess we've created. He died so that people could be free. He died so that we could again be in fellowship with God - a relationship that we severed, and in so doing brought this catastrophe upon ourselves and our world. That kind of love is bigger than I can understand. But I'm grateful for it, more than ever, in the midst of these circumstances. What hope have we without The Hope of the Nations? None. But with Him - all.

I have been moved to pray for the friends and family of the man who committed this terrible crime today. As someone commented earlier in the midst of this: what kind of a place must that man have come to - what depths of hopelessness and in all likelihood, demonic oppression - to be able to take the lives of so many others, and finally his own? To what extent must his life have seemed ruinous and failed for that choice to seem acceptable? I have been praying, since then, that those close to this man would be comforted as only God can comfort, that they will know the power of Christ's love in their lives. I have been praying that others will be comforted as well, of course - the grieving friends and families of those who lost their beloved, those in the hospital who are recovering (and God heal them!) of wounds taken today, the administration at the campus (so much guilt and concern), the police... so many affected so deeply. Even here, the little twitches of fear I see in people's eyes. Donne had it right. No man is an island. Please join with me in praying for all those affected by today's tragedy. And please join me in praying for Sheryl's family and many friends - many lives she touched, by all I know of her - in the wake of her death. And please join me in praying for Heather and for her family, in the midst of trying circumstances themselves.

And please - join me in praying for the power of the gospel, so that people can have the hope they so desperately need, so that people can have lives that are renewed and made whole, so that there can be healing and not only grief. This is not a problem of guns, or of sociology, or of psychology. It is a problem of sin, and that needs Christ to fix. His love, His sacrifice, His incredible mercy... pray for the fullness of that truth to be proclaimed everywhere in every language and every tongue.

He is our only hope.

I love you all. God bless you, and rest in His peace.

- Chris

Face-Off: Pair Debates Homosexuality

Here's an article you all might enjoy reading. I was honored to be able to participate in this, and blessed at how God used me. Certainly I can't take credit for the conversation going so well; God definitely orchestrated it.

Interesting point... she called me a Baptist. I'm a follower of Jesus Christ who's involved in a Baptist church and ministry, but one trend I've noticed in my generation of believers (myself included) is a distinct lack of denominationalism and a much greater interest in the solid teaching of Scripture and an emphasis on God-centered worship. If those conditions are met, the denomination is far less important. That's not to say, of course, that some denominations don't have tendencies to fulfill those requirements better or worse than others, but that denomination is less important than the fulfillment of the requirements for a Biblical church.

Anyways, bed time for me. Big day tomorrow - R.A. interview, work, class, and much else. God bless!

- Chris

Sometimes... but... still

On a much lighter note... here's a poem I wrote several months back about the amusing ups and downs of romantic pursuit. It's intended to be humorous... so laugh along with me at it.

Sometimes... but... still

God bless you all. I pray you're blessed in the following day as you continue to reflect on the greatness of Christ's victory almost 2000 years ago. Have a wonderful Resurrection Day!

- Chris

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone. What does that really mean? What does it mean to let Him alone be the center of our lives, to be our only source of comfort, joy, peace, satisfaction? To so fully fix our eyes on Him that everything else becomes as shadows and dust around us in the overwhelming knowledge of Him - of Who He is and what He has done? To live completely for Him, with reckless abandon for His glory and the honor due His name? I don't know honestly... but I'm starting to learn a little bit.

The song woven throughout this post is one that has ministered powerfully to me in recent months (by which I mean about the last six to eight months, not just the last couple). There's a hope and a reassurance in knowing that our hope and our strength and our song are to be found in Christ alone; a peace and a security that defy description when we begin to truly rest in His leading instead of our understanding. But it's not just about us. Pay close attention: it's really about Him. It's about the cross, about the empty tomb, about His ultimate and complete victory over sin and death. We just get to be partakers of that. I hope it's as much a blessing to you as it has been to me.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

The last months have been interesting. Exactly a month ago - though it seems much longer - God began the process of dealing with me extremely seriously and severely about certain sins in my life. It has been an excruciatingly painful process at times. The process has been one of over and over again seeing the sin and blackness in my heart for what it really is. I walk in so much pride sometimes... and it has brought immense destruction. I can't think of a single day in the last 31 that haven't opened my eyes just a little bit more to the degree to which my pride and arrogance have caused me to respond to the people around me in a mean-spirited and hurtful way. Sin has this horrible tendency to infect every part of our lives: our thoughts and words not least. And sin is also insidious. It's as if a virus has gotten in and remapped your immune system so that your body no longer even recognizes it as being alien, foreign, and destructive: but it is. Jeremiah 17:9 nails it: the heart is more deceitful than anything else.

You see, I had myself convinced that I had dealt with these sins. I was doing okay. Not well - I still had work to do, a ways to go. But I was making progress! At least, that's what I told myself. But I was lying to myself. In so many ways, I was deceiving myself, because I didn't want to go down to the black depths of my heart and see the evil there for what it was. I didn't want to see that there is horrible wickedness in me; that there is horrible sin in me. I didn't want to deal with my own pride and arrogance, and I didn't want to deal with the source of them: my own fallen notion that I am self-sufficient. Indeed, even my response and attempt to deal with that sin was prideful and self-oriented: it was a self-motivated striving to overcome out of my own strength. I wasn't letting the Holy Spirit do His perfect work in my heart; I was trying to change myself to win the approval of God and man. That's a failing proposition in every case. We are not capable of winning God's approval, and seeking man's will lead us to destruction in every case.

I didn't just see this, either. Friends and mentors and parents had all tried to gently point it out to me before March 6. I sort of acknowledged it, but ultimately, I never dealt with my sin or the deep twisting of my heart. I am blessed because those around me care about me enough to confront me with my sin in a much sterner way. God has answered the prayers that were prayed over me before I left and gave me Proverbs 27:6 friends: friends that will faithfully wound when necessary. My friends went over my head to those in authority over me and had me confronted with my sin. By God's grace, they have had the wisdom to start walking me through the process of dealing with all the blackness in my heart.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Brought with the precious blood of Christ

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me... that thought sticks with me. I have been bought with a price - the price of the blood of Christ, of God Almighty become a man, of perfect divinity given in perfect sacrifice for... me. For you. For all of fallen, tortured, corrupted humanity. The sins in me are a nasty thing. In part they are simply the outworkings of my fallen nature: of my rebellion against God and all the evil that arises from that rebellion. In part they are the response of a fallen heart to wounds that have been taken over the years - but, to be sure, an inexcusable and sinful response. As my mentor here told me, "Hurt people hurt people." I let my own previous wounds and my still un-dealt with insecurities give rise to extremely hurtful ways of communicating with people; and to very destructive patterns of thought and behavior. It is only by the grace of God that I have the kinds of amazing friends that I do. I don't deserve them; that much is certain. When Beth was out here, she rightly commented that I have amazing friends - and I do, not least because they have stuck with me in spite of the sometimes terrible ways I have treated them.

Here's the amazing, inspiring, fall-on-your-face-before-God part, though. He doesn't leave us in our sin. He calls us out of it. More than that, though: He gives us power to walk out of it, and wisdom. He convicts us, and then He shows us how to walk. He has given us all that is necessary for life and godliness. He has made a way straight before us. His Word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path. He didn't simply condemn us and leave us in our trespasses, but came so that we could be free of them. He has done that in my life. I am not anywhere near where I need to be: but I am not condemned; nor am I in chains any longer. Rather, I am being set free, little bit by little bit, every day.

It's interesting: God has been dealing with me in every area of my life, and He has brought wisdom on this from every angle. Be it my own quiet time, my meetings with those discipling me, my conversations with friends, the teachings of my pastor, the teaching at Glorieta, conversations with my parents... every one has opened up my eyes to how much farther God wants to take me; how much more He has to do before I am just a clear pane of glass that He can shine through unobstructed by all my fallenness. Just yesterday, I was talking to my mom, and she said something that broke my heart: she pointed out how much I resist the things my parents have to share with me, because I have so fiercely fought for my independence and accused them of being overbearing and parental. Are they still making mistakes and learning and growing? Yes. Do they still have immensely more wisdom than me, and hearts that are burdened for me with much that I have dismissed because of my own arrogance? Yes. It is to my shame that I have so cavalierly dismissed them.

I've tended to do that a lot. Just dismiss people and the words they bring - to not be teachable. Why? Simple. I think, at some level, consciously or unconsciously, that I am better, smarter, wiser, you name it. I don't need them. They need me. Do you hear that? Do you see how sick and twisted the things that have so long inhabited my heart are? I wish I could excise it all at once, claw it all out. But I can't. My own strength is never enough. I am comforted, though, by an analogy that C.S. Lewis once drew. In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, one of the characters finds himself transformed by his greed and some ancient magic into a dragon. When his friends are about to sail on, having discovered no cure for his state, he begins to despair... and then Aslan appears, confronts him with the need to have that dragon skin torn off. He desperately claws at himself, scraping away as much as he possible can - but to no avail. His state is just the same. After a short while, Aslan stops him with the truth that only His claws can pierce deeply enough to tear off the false dragon flesh and restore him to what he ought to be. He eagerly embraces the cure... only to find it excruciatingly painful. And one deep and agonizing clawing from Aslan doesn't do it. It takes many painful strokes - relentless, driving, merciless (and yet so merciful), before he is finally restored to what he was originally meant to be. That is exactly what God does in our lives: He tears away at the false selves we have constructed and the sin that is layered so thickly over who He created us to be until we are at last restored to the imago dei we were created to be. But it is a process, and one that is both time-consuming and deeply painful. Yet there is hope for me: though I am having to walk through difficulty now for a season, I can look ahead with hope to the finish line, and then run with endurance the race set before me.

Interesting point about that passage... we can run with endurance because our eyes our fixed on Christ alone. Not because of our own strength, or even because of our supportive friends and family and church body... but because of Christ. We can step out of the boat into the crashing waves, and whether we sink or swim depends on whether we have our eyes on us or on Him.

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

There is encouragement to be had in Jeremiah, as well. Just a few chapters after that condemnation of our hearts - of all the evil and rot that fills them so completely that they are deceptive above all else - is the following encouragement from God to His people in Israel: "Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord..." So long as our hearts are truly fixed on Him - so long as we stand only in the power of Christ - He will be found by us; He will heal us and mend us and make us anew in His image.

There is no power in hell and nothing even in our own hearts that can keep us from the overwhelming love of Christ, from the power of Almighty God. Jesus does command our destiny; we are held in the palm of our Father's hand; our lives are channels in the hands of our Lord; our guidance can be from the Holy Spirit alone.

I have been in terrible sin. But there is no guilt in life and there is absolutely no power in death. This is the power of Christ in me. To those of you I have wounded - and I'm sure that is many of you - I am deeply sorry. I ask your forgiveness. More, I hope that you see the power of Christ in my life, and that you let Him continue to transform yours.

2000 years ago, he died, and then He rose again - to set us free, because He loved us.

That's worth dying for, in every way.

May the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and minds; may you know the power of His love and His mighty salvation.

- Chris

21 Questions

I'm taking a brief break from the studies - which are thoroughly insane this week; I have a huge amount of homework that will hopefully be finished by midnight tonight (until I start on next week's, of course); in the meantime, I hope you enjoy the following articles from BLOG and MABLOG, a fairly well known Christian blog (I've not done more than glance at it a few times, so no recommendation overall, but the few entries I've read from over there have been pretty good). These particular entries are questions to be asked by a father (or pastor) of a woman being pursued by some prospective suitor, and questions that a prospective suitor ought to be asking about the woman he's pursuing - questions that set a challengingly high standard.

To the parents out there, these are good questions to ask potential suitors of your daughter, or to ask your son about the woman he's pursuing. These are the kinds of questions I want my future father-in-law to ask me. And thus, to those of you my age or anywhere around it who are still in the pursuit stage, these questions set the standard we ought to be aiming for in our own lives, so that we will be suitable helpmeets to those we eventually marry.

21 Questions for a Potential Suitor
21 Questions for a Potential Wife

Sourced: Boundless Line

God bless you all, and enjoy!

- Chris

Reading

Some required reading for all of you. This friend is one of my favorite people - a person who always smiles, even on the worst of days, a person who always points to Jesus, even when circumstances are difficult (or when most people wouldn't give a topic a second thought). This particular entry is just an example of the latter. I hope you enjoy it. God bless.

- Chris

bring the rain

This is sort of what I'm singing right now. There's more, and less, than this, in my heart - in ways I can't fully explain. But this is close. Sorry it's been so long. And it's going to be a while yet, in all probability, before I get a real post in; which is sad, because I have much to write about. In the meantime, please do read through these words and really think about the thoughts behind them.

bring the rain - MercyMe
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way fvor me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus bring the rain

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

God bless, all, and good night!

- Chris