It's been a while again... longer than I wanted. These are thoughts, moments, images of me, right now, right here, where I am. God is bigger than where I am.
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I'm in a strange place emotionally right now. I'm enjoying life immensely, blessed by all that God has done and is doing. But I'm also not. I don't know how to describe this. It's not like a year ago, when I was struggling with some very big hurts in my life, and some terribly damaging gripping sins, and all of that being compounded by deep depression. None of those things are the case; the depression is long since gone. As I said, I'm enjoying life immensely. I have certain areas where I'm struggling emotionally - of course, as we all do at nearly every point in our life. Moments of unadulterated joy, uncompromised emotional stability, are rare indeed in this fallen and broken world. There are personal hurts, and I miss the deep, rich community from Focus on the Family Institute, and the incredible people who made my life so full in those blessed 7 weeks and 5 days. Yet overall my life remains blessed, full - and I have great joy in all of it, in the work I am doing, in the people in my life...
But somehow this great joy is mingled with sorrow, at what I'm not entirely sure, and with a very deep sense of aimlessness. Not for my life as a whole, just for this season right here and now. I feel useless. Insignificant. Purposeless. As though I'm not making a difference in any aspect of my life - from my church to my job to my classes to my ministry commitments. What am I doing? I question whether I am where I ought to be, doing what I ought to be. I believe fervently, wholeheartedly, that God has led me to these places, that this is divinely appointed. He is sovereign, and He is good. He has perfect plans.
But I do not see the purpose of this. I do not see how I am being used. No one has come to the kingdom of God because of me. I do not see any significant changes in people's lives because of me. Even my first floor activity was a failure in every way that I can see. Am I failing, not following God as I ought? Or has He ordained this season for His purposes, inscrutable though they be to me for now? What good am I doing in the world around me? What ways am I bringing glory to His name?
---
I am struggling. The passion is fading in the face of the daily grind. That makes me sad, and it makes me angry. God has not called us to a mediocrity, to a place of being so caught up in our daily lives that we have not time to pursue Him with a great and terrible hunger and thirst. I've misplaced that terrible thirst, that sense of panting like a deer after water for Him. It is not lost - my hunger for that thirst tells me as much - but I want it back, and richer than it was before.
And it is affecting many things... my writing, my relationships, my work, my school... I do them, and I do them well, but from a sense of obligation, not of great joy and delight in doing what God has called me to. I want to do them because my heart rejoices to be doing the will of God, not because I feel some terrible sense of duty to accomplish the tasks set before me. This walk with God is not merely a set of tasks to be accomplished: It is a great and terrible journey, and it is a deepening relationship with God Almighty (impossible! incomprehensible! TRUE!), but it is not merely some set of tasks that we must accomplish before we die. Many other religions are that, but this relationship is not that.
So I look up to the heavens and call out, Forge in me again that passion, oh God on high! Rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly! Fan into flame my love for You; let no dullness of life come and quench it. May I never forsake Your ways, and may I always run after You with all the strength that is in me. Be the center of my existence, the fullness of my joy, the delight of my eyes and my heart. Let Your glory come and transform me. Make me like You, that I may know You as You truly are!
---
I wrote a chapter of my book the other night. I enjoyed it. I also didn't sleep much that night. I watched a lunar eclipse, saw that lesser light be covered up in dark shadow, marveled at how it is completely occluded by the earth, caught in shadow, and yet light still shines upon it, refracted through the earth's atmosphere, turning the moon itself a dusky shade of red for the self-same reason that a sunset is often red. I spent time with friends that night, on top of a parking garage late in the night (or perhaps more properly, early before the morning). It was a blessing. I was incredibly tired, but it was more than worth it.
---
This is a strange year. I'm able to be close friends with less than half the people I was close to last year. I don't quite know what to do with that. In an odd way, I feel much as I did when I first started college - displaced, unsure of my place in the world, though I know myself especially I know God far better than I did. It's different, too, in that I have many friends here... but that nagging sense remains. I have many acquaintances, and am close to almost no one, much as was the case two years ago. My classes this year are going to be hard, but not in any way that surprises me. It is not for nothing that they call the set of classes most people are taking in the physics department this semester the "Trifecta of Doom." I am barely involved in the music department, and indeed in music in general, for the first time since I came to college. I miss playing piano for the worship team, especially as some of my friends are having the opportunity to do precisely that. It is not envy, but rather simply that I miss the chance to worship God that way. I miss having time to play the piano in general, for it eludes me at the moment.
These are not a bad things.
Indeed, I am confident that God has allowed - even ordained - this season for His purposes in my life, though I may not understand them. I am excited about what this year will hold.
I just miss my friends...
---
I come back again to where I began. I don't know where my place in the world is right now. And that's okay. As I've written before, it's no bad thing to not know; to the contrary it can be one of the most effective tools for change in our lives, and God seems to use it often in mine.
Oddly, I have a greater sense of where I'm going than where I am. That, too, is no bad thing. Though I haven't any specifics on what that future looks like, I know the general outlines - a life dedicated to discipleship, to proclaiming to anyone who will listen the greatness of the glory of God and this magnificent narrative that we get to be a part of, the good news that sets us free from the sin that entangles us... It's the here and now that I'm unsure of.
Perhaps it will become clear in time. Perhaps it won't. It doesn't matter: God is God, and that is enough. He is in control. There is a time and season for everything, and there is nothing new under the sun. All of this is under the Son. I will rest secure in Him, confident in His supremacy over history, over eternity and over this immediacy we call the present
---
God bless you all. May His peace be with you. I love you...
- Chris
---
I'm in a strange place emotionally right now. I'm enjoying life immensely, blessed by all that God has done and is doing. But I'm also not. I don't know how to describe this. It's not like a year ago, when I was struggling with some very big hurts in my life, and some terribly damaging gripping sins, and all of that being compounded by deep depression. None of those things are the case; the depression is long since gone. As I said, I'm enjoying life immensely. I have certain areas where I'm struggling emotionally - of course, as we all do at nearly every point in our life. Moments of unadulterated joy, uncompromised emotional stability, are rare indeed in this fallen and broken world. There are personal hurts, and I miss the deep, rich community from Focus on the Family Institute, and the incredible people who made my life so full in those blessed 7 weeks and 5 days. Yet overall my life remains blessed, full - and I have great joy in all of it, in the work I am doing, in the people in my life...
But somehow this great joy is mingled with sorrow, at what I'm not entirely sure, and with a very deep sense of aimlessness. Not for my life as a whole, just for this season right here and now. I feel useless. Insignificant. Purposeless. As though I'm not making a difference in any aspect of my life - from my church to my job to my classes to my ministry commitments. What am I doing? I question whether I am where I ought to be, doing what I ought to be. I believe fervently, wholeheartedly, that God has led me to these places, that this is divinely appointed. He is sovereign, and He is good. He has perfect plans.
But I do not see the purpose of this. I do not see how I am being used. No one has come to the kingdom of God because of me. I do not see any significant changes in people's lives because of me. Even my first floor activity was a failure in every way that I can see. Am I failing, not following God as I ought? Or has He ordained this season for His purposes, inscrutable though they be to me for now? What good am I doing in the world around me? What ways am I bringing glory to His name?
---
I am struggling. The passion is fading in the face of the daily grind. That makes me sad, and it makes me angry. God has not called us to a mediocrity, to a place of being so caught up in our daily lives that we have not time to pursue Him with a great and terrible hunger and thirst. I've misplaced that terrible thirst, that sense of panting like a deer after water for Him. It is not lost - my hunger for that thirst tells me as much - but I want it back, and richer than it was before.
And it is affecting many things... my writing, my relationships, my work, my school... I do them, and I do them well, but from a sense of obligation, not of great joy and delight in doing what God has called me to. I want to do them because my heart rejoices to be doing the will of God, not because I feel some terrible sense of duty to accomplish the tasks set before me. This walk with God is not merely a set of tasks to be accomplished: It is a great and terrible journey, and it is a deepening relationship with God Almighty (impossible! incomprehensible! TRUE!), but it is not merely some set of tasks that we must accomplish before we die. Many other religions are that, but this relationship is not that.
So I look up to the heavens and call out, Forge in me again that passion, oh God on high! Rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly! Fan into flame my love for You; let no dullness of life come and quench it. May I never forsake Your ways, and may I always run after You with all the strength that is in me. Be the center of my existence, the fullness of my joy, the delight of my eyes and my heart. Let Your glory come and transform me. Make me like You, that I may know You as You truly are!
---
I wrote a chapter of my book the other night. I enjoyed it. I also didn't sleep much that night. I watched a lunar eclipse, saw that lesser light be covered up in dark shadow, marveled at how it is completely occluded by the earth, caught in shadow, and yet light still shines upon it, refracted through the earth's atmosphere, turning the moon itself a dusky shade of red for the self-same reason that a sunset is often red. I spent time with friends that night, on top of a parking garage late in the night (or perhaps more properly, early before the morning). It was a blessing. I was incredibly tired, but it was more than worth it.
---
This is a strange year. I'm able to be close friends with less than half the people I was close to last year. I don't quite know what to do with that. In an odd way, I feel much as I did when I first started college - displaced, unsure of my place in the world, though I know myself especially I know God far better than I did. It's different, too, in that I have many friends here... but that nagging sense remains. I have many acquaintances, and am close to almost no one, much as was the case two years ago. My classes this year are going to be hard, but not in any way that surprises me. It is not for nothing that they call the set of classes most people are taking in the physics department this semester the "Trifecta of Doom." I am barely involved in the music department, and indeed in music in general, for the first time since I came to college. I miss playing piano for the worship team, especially as some of my friends are having the opportunity to do precisely that. It is not envy, but rather simply that I miss the chance to worship God that way. I miss having time to play the piano in general, for it eludes me at the moment.
These are not a bad things.
Indeed, I am confident that God has allowed - even ordained - this season for His purposes in my life, though I may not understand them. I am excited about what this year will hold.
I just miss my friends...
---
I come back again to where I began. I don't know where my place in the world is right now. And that's okay. As I've written before, it's no bad thing to not know; to the contrary it can be one of the most effective tools for change in our lives, and God seems to use it often in mine.
Oddly, I have a greater sense of where I'm going than where I am. That, too, is no bad thing. Though I haven't any specifics on what that future looks like, I know the general outlines - a life dedicated to discipleship, to proclaiming to anyone who will listen the greatness of the glory of God and this magnificent narrative that we get to be a part of, the good news that sets us free from the sin that entangles us... It's the here and now that I'm unsure of.
Perhaps it will become clear in time. Perhaps it won't. It doesn't matter: God is God, and that is enough. He is in control. There is a time and season for everything, and there is nothing new under the sun. All of this is under the Son. I will rest secure in Him, confident in His supremacy over history, over eternity and over this immediacy we call the present
---
God bless you all. May His peace be with you. I love you...
- Chris
Thanks for the encouragment. You seem pretty cool and I appreciate the comment that you left on my blog.
ReplyDeleteBill
Chris, what you are experiencing is, in some sense, something very common to all of us. I too have experienced those thoughts of what is my purpose? Am I making an impact for the kingdom? And yet, I am reminded too that sometimes, no many times, I do not, nor will not, see the impact I am having. That is God's hand protecting me from pride, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnd to learn to worship, to learn to do the daily mundane things with devotion and duty, it truly a place of molding and sacrifice.
All of us are eager for the passion and zeal of mountain top experiences. But can I remain faithful, remain devoted, when it is just daily life without any fireworks?
I am finding that I need to learn contentment in every step of every day, whether it is exciting or mundane.
I'll be praying for you.
Love you!
If God's will for your life is just that you were to touch one... and we may or may not know if that one might have the effect of someone like Billy Graham...
ReplyDeleteWould that be enough?
Seek to enjoy the days that God has given you. Your heart is for Him, He will lead you and guide you.
These are interesting time for all of us and rarely what we expect them to look like.
You know ... I wonder that we don't get addicted to the extreme high's we are able to create so much more easily in these days we're living in. It's in the living of life ... the day in and the day out ... the routine ... that we find out if who we were in the extremes is who we are always.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I agree with all you have written here ... life with Jesus is glorious ... but not always so emotionally full ... it is often routine ... route ... stamped on us from The Fall. It's neutral ... neither good nor bad ... it's how we live in this place that becomes either good or bad.
To worship God, to honor Him, to follow Him, to study His word, to fall on your knees, when the emotion and intensity seem ellusive ... that is where we find out who we really are. Are we in there for the endurance? Or are we in there when we're being fed such a rich table of foods from God, Himself?
There are seasons of silence from God ... seasons void of intense and emotional experiences with God ... they simply are ... but they are not without purpose.
Seems like God has pulled you out ... away ... is setting you apart ... preparing you ... allowing you to further discover who you really are ... and that is intensely purposeful.
I love how you are able to articulate these days ... you will look back in a year ... and what will you see then? ;) Will be pretty cool, won't it!!!!!!!
Where in Texas will you be coming for a wedding?