Facts

Facts for your consumption:

I am tired.

I will be more tired by week's end.

The previous two facts do not distress me.

My emotions are significantly distressed, to my consternation and amusement.

This, too, does not significantly distress me, despite the urge to cry several times today.

This point amuses me.

All of these points are subsumed by the realization that God's grace is more than sufficient to meet me in what is really very much a trivial thing. This week shall pass, and on the other side, I shall have a deeper walk with my King, my Savior, my Treasure; and I shall have another testimony to the ways in which God's power is perfected in weakness.

I am grateful to God for good friends who uplift my heart, and the men I disciple who encourage me by their growth in faith, and Chris Goree for his wisdom and teaching for me, and an amazing girlfriend who has encouraged me immensely (more than I could have imagined) these last days. I'm most of all grateful to God for saving me in Christ Jesus.

Grace and peace be with you all.

- Chris

Bondage of choices

Mark Dever of Capitol Hill Baptist Church wrote an interesting blog (quick read) a couple days ago about the bondage we can find ourselves in to needing subjective "senses" of where God is leading us.

I do believe that God's Spirit will sometimes lead us subjectively. So, for instance, I am choosing to spend my life here on Capitol Hill because my wife & I sensed in 1993 that that is what God wanted us to do. However, I realized then (and now) that I could be wrong about that supposition. Scripture is NEVER wrong. I was free in 1993 to stay in England, or teach at a seminary, either of which would have been delightful opportunities. I understand that I was free to make those choices. But I chose, consulting Scripture, friends, wisdom, and my own subjective sense of the Lord's will, to come to DC. And even if I were wrong about that, I had (and have) that freedom in Christ to act in a way that is not sin. And I understand my pastoring here not to be sin. So I am free. Regardless of the sense of leading I had.

Interesting thoughts, and worth reading through the rest of the blog - don't worry, it's short (especially compared to mine!).

- Chris

Dreams/visions

Visions fill my heart, sometimes, bursting forth in unexpected fullness and with vigor and passion that surprise me though I ought, by now, to be accustomed to them. Visions of a world different from this one in which we live: visions of Christians actually being Christ-followers, of churches becoming the Church, of a people truly living as Christ's Body on this earth. I dream of what that might be like: a world transformed by a people transformed - the renewing of minds leading to a metamorphosis in our understanding of everything. I dream of what we might do, what we might accomplish for Christ if we dedicated ourselves to holiness, to the advancement of the gospel, to making Him supreme in our lives - if we decided that His glory would be our chief end, our great joy, the one source of meaning in our existence.

I wonder if - maybe - we might see a revival in this land.

Revival in this land cannot come without revival first in the churches of this land. We desperately need to understand our desperate need for Christ. We are no longer in desperate need of salvation, but we remain in desperate need for His transforming grace to work our sanctification - for even now that we are saved, our own strength is utterly insufficient for making ourselves holy. There is nothing we can do of ourselves, yet the destruction of indwelling sin and the deep hunger for and pursuit of holiness must characterize our every day if we are to truly be imitators of Christ.

If there is no revival, America will destroy itself: collapsing into a moral sinkhole, spiraling downward farther and farther as it embraces perversion and rot, calling good evil and evil good. People will continue to believe, however foolishly, that they are the arbiters of their own realities, capable of creating for themselves an ethicality and a morality that are somehow true. And as they cling to that false notion, they will run ever farther astray from the will of God. What Christian moral and ethical heritage this nation has are fast fading. We cannot trust that heritage to support us any longer in our efforts for evangelization, for people outside the church are increasingly illiterate of Scripture and ignorant of Truth. We must now instead reach out to people who live in an increasingly pagan society as pagans, not as mere unbelievers already aware of the main thrusts of our faith. We must do as the early church did, and preach the gospel with boldness, with courage, and with understanding. We must live missional lives, not simply make missional statements.

But for our efforts in reaching out to our unbelieving friends and neighbors and relatives to be effective - for us to meaningfully adopt missional lifestyles - we must first commit ourselves to the pursuit of Christ. There will almost certainly be no revival on this land unless God's people truly seek Him and seek brokenness before Him. (I do not presume to know the mind of God sufficiently to claim that there will absolutely be no revival: He is more than capable of moving in spite of the stubbornness of His people - but historically, revival has always come when His people confessed their sins, moved to a state of brokenness about themselves and the lost surrounding them, and dedicated themselves to prayer.)

Real change is possible. I can see it, smell it, taste it, hear it, sometimes, as though it were just out of sight, simply waiting for our appropriation. God works through people. Sometimes He clearly and obviously intervenes in history - but even in those instances, He nearly always does so through people. Moses. David. Elijah. John the Baptist. Peter. Paul. Tertullian. Athanasius. Many church fathers. Luther. Wesley. Spurgeon. Billy Graham. God moves through people. He rarely operates in a vacuum. And I honestly, deeply, passionately believe that He wants to use us: the ordinary men and women of this generation. There will be leaders, men and women of particular and peculiar vision and calling - but the work will be accomplished by the "lay" people. A movement requires leadership, but leadership alone is not a movement: it is when people follow leaders to accomplish a task that there is movement, and it is when movement crystallizes from short-term purpose into long-term vision that lasting frameworks of ministry are built.

Can you see it? Can you hear it? Do you realize that revival could start here, now, with you and me? That the only place revival can start is with you and me? Do you grasp the magnitude of what it would mean for revival to come - the incredible change that would be wrought upon this land and the whole world, if hundreds of thousands or even millions of Americans came to their knees and confessed Christ as Savior and Lord?

Do I sound foolish or crazy, thinking that such a thing is possible? Good! It is folly in the wisdom of man - and no wisdom or plan of man will accomplish it; nor, should it happen, will it be of the efforts of men, no matter how Godly. It will be of the grace of the Father working through the Spirit to proclaim the Truth of the Son. It is certainly not feasible in any way that I know of, save for the outpouring of power and anointing on the body of Christ - and that will come when we are brought to repentance and desperation for Him alone - when we trust no more in our material success, when we are content no longer with our comfortable middle class lives, when we are at last convinced of the necessity of sacrifice and the worthiness of the cause of Christ above our own gain - when we finally begin to count all as loss, rubbish, nothing in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus our Lord.

If this be the wisdom of God, then I embrace it wholeheartedly, no matter how foolhardy it may sound to men. I will pray for God to move until I see Him move; I will preach the gospel to myself daily and preach the gospel to my saved friends as often as I can to remind them of what they have been given and gently but boldly proclaim the truth to those who are not believing so that they may know and be set free. I will press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I will ground myself in the word of God, in prayer, in discipline, in fellowship - true, rich fellowship - and will run the race with endurance.

And I will fail. But when I fail, I will remember that it is His grace that has effectually called me, that has saved me, that is sanctifying me, and that will pick me up and carry me on when I have stumbled.

I praise God for those of like heart, of common vision; I thank God for those who He has place in my life who encourage me by their faithfulness to the word and to point me to His goodness and truthfulness and utter reliability.

I have a vision of what God can do, what I believe He longs to do. It is impossible with man - but all things are possible with God!

Vision with me.

- Chris

A profound thought

A blogging friend of mine has a way of posting incredibly profound thoughts that are short but provoke considerable contemplation. His February 4 post did precisely that... take a read and think on it for a bit.

In his 1863 "Proclamation Appointing a National Fast Day", Abraham Lincoln asserted that American's had taken for granted God's kindness: "We have forgotten the gracious Hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own".

Thank God for how He uses the body for mutual encouragement!

- Chris

My sister!

I've got another blog you ought to read! My sister just started blogging at Moving Onward to the Goal. That makes four of the five members of my family blogging (though I confess I hope she blogs more frequently than my incredibly busy mom and dad). I hope you're as blessed by her as I am: she is an incredibly Godly woman, and I count myself honored to be her brother.

Enjoy the reading!

Edit, 5/29/08: My sister has moved her blog to a new name and site, Reflections and Ponderings.

- Chris

Another Valentine's day

My dad is amazing. I learn so much from him - about following God, about truly being a man, about what it will mean to be a husband and father. He's a good one, and getting better at both. I love him a lot.

His post about his Valentine's day nearly made me cry... so many answers to prayers I've prayed for my parents in that one day, so much that God is restoring and renewing and making better than it had ever been in their marriage!

I am blessed to watch it, blessed to be their son.

- Chris

If I stand

God has opened my eyes again, recently, to all He has done. It was not harsh, not fierce: a gentle touch, washing over me, swelling in my heart - gratitude born anew as the Spirit brought me to ponder all that He has done. He saved me.

He saved me.

Incredible. I remembered, the other night, the last years and all that God has done in them. I thought about where I am, and where I could be - would be - were it not for His grace. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. He saved me. I cannot get past that. I could have been in such a dark place - but He, in His infinite mercy, reached down and picked me up, rescued me from my own corruption and depravity, and deigned to make me like Him - to remake me in His image.

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things

As I was drifting off to sleep, I nearly cried. I caught a picture of who I've been saved from being: a glimpse of the kind of pointless existence I could be living. But I'm not: He saved me. He destroyed my arrogance, continues to do so. He humbled me, does so more every day. He strips down my ego and turns me to live for His glory in increasing measure moment by moment.

He is the God of glory. He is the God whose name is Jealous. He is a consuming fire. He is God with us. He is Almighty. He is I Am That I Am. He is incomparable. He is my friend.

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

I was lonely, the other night - and at the oddest time. I'd had an incredible day: time with friends, time with Jaimie, time where some women honored many of us young men around the BSU: all of it wonderful and filled with fellowship. Yet I was lonely. And the world was too noisy for me. My heart ached to be with God, no longer separated. I hungered for true silence, so that I could contemplate, meditate, resuscitate my soul. And the world was noisy.

Oh how my soul longs for that day, that glorious day, when every sin is stripped away, when I am who I am meant to be: a clear and pure reflection of Christ, all that I have foolishly layered on top of that gone at last so that His glory truly will be my one true end.

It is grace that has carried me this far and grace that will carry me home. Praise be to the God and Father of all, whose grace is enough for our every need.

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

Sometimes I taste it: I take a breath and then have it catch in my throat - a taste of life as it might be, could be, should be! I have no words to truly describe it: like the first gleam of morning over a high mountain peak, like the scent of the air after a spring rain, like the smell of wildflowers in June, like the savor of snow falling in December, like the crisp colors of fall: when our hearts for a moment leap to the higher plane they were meant for and see this world as God sees it:

Broken, but being mended as His kingdom comes rushing in. Tragedy being remade into a glorious victory for God and His people. Tears slowly being wiped away. That which is torn being repaired, that which is old being made new, that which is dead being made alive.

The incarnation was not just for the sake of the cross. With the birth of Christ, all creation began being redeemed: for God had become simultaneously Creator and created, encompassed in human form but uncontained and unconstrained and all-encompassing in a single moment. And in that moment the old world started rushing out and the new one flooding in, and so it does still today: through you and me and every Christ-follower in all the world.

I want to see the world that way all the time. I want to see my fellow believers see the world that way all the time.

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

How great, how glorious, this task we have been given. We are His ambassadors in this present age! God reconciled us to Christ - and then (oh incomparable weight, a weight of responsibility, of glory divine!) He bestowed on us the ministry of reconciliation. On you. On me.

Tears fill my eyes as I write. He gave this task to us. He trusts us with this greatest of tasks, and the weight of its glory is too much. I cannot comprehend it. It is only His grace that I am His, only His grace that I walk with Him, only His grace that I can share Him. And He trusts me - trusts you - trusts all of us - with being His ambassadors: gives us the ministry of reconciliation.

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

I am anxious for heaven - but I am not ready to go Home yet. I have work to accomplish in this land where I sojourn for a time. There are souls to be won, hearts to be enkindled and rekindled, passions to be stirred, communities to renew, a church to serve, and the glory of God to be shown - writ large across every page of my life. Sometimes I shall weep with longing for my home; and sometimes I shall weep with longing that others may join me there; and sometimes I will weep (and shout) for joy that others have come to the glorious path we walk in fellowship with God Himself.

And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we might walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)

(If I Stand, Rich Mullins)

- Chris

Valentine's Day

Here are some pictures of my girlfriend (do you have any idea how weird it is to type that?) and me last night celebrating Valentine's Day. I am an incredibly blessed guy to have her in my life!






I am still in awe that I've been blessed to have an amazing girl like her in my life - passionate about Christ, loves people, bubbling over with joy, musical, deep, thoughtful, kind, tenderhearted, and incredibly beautiful... I don't deserve her. She's amazing.

And we had an amazing night last night.

God bless you all.

- Chris

I miss silence

I miss silence.

Stillness, peace, tranquility.

There is always a fan on in my room. I hate it.

There is always noise around campus: cars, loud people talking, and endless air conditioning units. I hate it.

Today was a quiet day outside: it rained, and rain is - most of the time - a quiet thing. Especially rain like today's: even when it rained hard, it rained gently. And it was peaceful, quiet, calm: people stayed inside, and campus was hushed, and as the breeze blew it blew gently, and the mist falling across my face was cool and pleasant - and it was good. I loved it.

I miss silence. High mountains where the wind and the birds are all you can hear when you stop talking, meadows crossed by gently murmuring brooks, forests filled with snow and gently dripping icicles, gentle rain beating quietly against your tent, the peaceful crackling of a fire set against the backdrop of a black night with stars so brightly shining overhead - gazing at the stars and marveling, slowly breathing in the crisp clean air...

I miss silence...

- Chris

As the wind, so my mind

I hate hurting people. God often uses our mistakes to teach us things - but I hate it when I hurt people in my mistakes. Happened last week, and it should not have. I'm glad for God's grace, redeeming the situation, but I wish it had not happened, wish I had chosen better. I wish I could make it better for the friend I hurt - but though apology has been made and forgiveness granted, all is not well. Now I struggle to press on, praying for the friend and the situation, but trying not to be consumed by the mistake I made.

---

Winter in Oklahoma is significantly more uncomfortable than winter in Colorado, even though it's actually warmer. The cold weather here cuts through the skin much more quickly, evaporating heat much more readily because of the increased moisture in the air. I like Colorado winters better - more snow, and less humidity. I miss the mornings, especially: waking up and walking outside to see Pikes Peak covered in snow, some majestic giant with gently sloping shoulders: lit brilliantly ere ever the light should touch the place from which I gaze. I miss Colorado skies.

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Somehow I manage to be simultaneously incredibly busy and have long stretches where I have nothing I can do. As now: there is a great deal of schoolwork ahead of me this week, but there is little if anything I can do to work on it as of yet - thus I am blogging instead. Strange, indeed.

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I'm working on a setting of Psalm 67 for choir, harp, harpsichord, and two guitars, now, and enjoying it thus far. I rather like the setting of Psalm 142 I just finished, for tenor voice, flute, clarinet, french horn, cello, harp, and percussion. It's fun, and fairly well constructed. I am looking forward to hearing it performed. This new piece is going to take a little while to write - hopefully around a month - and then I hope to find a venue for its performance sometime this semester as well. The contrast between the texts of the pieces makes for very different characters of composition, as does the difference in instrumentation.

---

I love creating. Whether it be music, or these words on this virtual page, the act of bringing into existence something that has never before been is a remarkable thing. I am awed that God allows us to reflect His character thus: to, like Him, imagine and then make our dreams into realities. That's incredible (in the original sense of the word: not to be believed) when you really think about it. God made us in His image, and that includes the ability to create. We cannot, of course, create from nothing, as He can - but we can take the elements He has given us and from them shape the ordinary into the extraordinary.

---

I sometimes wonder if we have not lost, here in America - indeed the West in general - a sense of craft. We mass manufacture everything. Yet there is something about that which is made by hand, crafted with care, created with love, that is unique. I believe that singular quality is because it is a reflection, far more than mass production, of the character of God. He did not, in making you or I, or even the far more "generic" stars, set up a blueprint and a factory and then simply supervise its operation to make sure it did not run amok or cease to operate: rather, He lovingly and carefully crafted each distant pinprick of light with care, and lavished even more upon every being. And craft is something rare indeed - and when lost, how great the loss! Oh, that Stradivarius had passed on his secrets: we might still have the glory of the instruments he made coming new into the world. So it is with every skill: one cannot truly duplicate it with machinery. Creation - true creation - requires life breathed into it.

---

Beauty is not something capable of being formulated and understood completely: it is a mystery.

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Sometimes I want to dance under the stars, a reckless and passionate dance: exulting in the glory of this marvelous and splendid creation, lungs heaving and heart pounding, arms thrown into the air and feet twirling: rhythm and motion in time with the song of the heavens - the song that only poets hear, because only poets listen.

---

To sleep, perchance to dream: or to wake, perchance to dream? When we dreamed asleep, we waking forgot: but when we dreamed awake, we dared - perhaps - to more than dream: to whirl in the waltz of wonder at all our God has done.

---

Let the peoples praise you, oh God;
Let all the peoples praise you!
(Psalm 67:5)

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As the wind, so my mind tonight: restless, unpredictable, dancing playfully the one moment and silent and still the next. As the wind...

- Chris

Life a flame

Fire: a mystery, in many ways. I understand the physics of it, but it nonetheless fascinates me, compels me: when you watch it, it matters little how much you comprehend - it is still a mystery.

So is this incredible flame that God has set in my heart. I do not understand it, more: do not understand how it is that one can live like this, most: do not understand how one could possibly live without it. It is a passion for the glory of God, for His ways, for His Kingdom come on this earth in our lives surrendered. It is an unquenchable desire to be broken wholly and completely for Him, and to see all His people the same. It is a fury and a sorrow at the tragedy of sin, at the way it rules our lives: at the subtle debilitating influence it has in many believers. It is a heart-rending grief that so many are lost, hopeless, dying in the world around us. It is frustration with so many who do not live for Christ alone - first and foremost, myself. It is bewilderment at those who can profess a heart for Asia, or Africa, or Europe, or anywhere in the world, yet seem incapable of sharing the gospel with their neighbor. It is incomparable joy at seeing God move in people's lives. It is excitement at seeing new believers. It is exulting in repentance, rejoicing in renewal of cold hearts. It is tears and laughter and anger and peace and -

Fire. He consumes me. Not completely, yet - though I look forward to that day - but ever more each day.

Mystery. And so completely explained: the Holy Spirit fell as fire, and not without reason. It was not needlessly that John the Baptist described the baptism to come - the baptism of the Spirit - as a baptism of fire.

What the fire looks like in others is not the same as in me. But there must be fire. What is a life without it? No heat to warm those God has put near us; no light to shine in the dark world in which we live. And yet, the vast majority of the time, that's how Christianity in America looks. It's lukewarm. No bright shining light, no heat to warm the hearts of those close to us... just a tepid gladness of our own salvation, with no burning desire to see it extended to others.

I have to question whether we actually understand the gospel, the magnitude of all we have been given, the greatness of God's glory, when we live like that. I'm as guilty of it as any other, but I cannot sit comfortably in my mediocrity.

The Holy Spirit is a river of living water, flowing into us, but He does not delight in making stagnant pools. We are to be conduits of His life, not mere receptacles for it, greedily holding to it for ourselves. He wants to flow through us into the lives of others, and when we are not channels, but ponds, we stifle His work. We should be deep-flowing rivers, to be sure: but rivers, or even incredibly active lakes - not salty lakes, with no outflow.

God could do so much through us, if we would simply avail ourselves to Him, choose to make our lives about His purposes instead of our own. My heart breaks to see the state of America, to see the state of her churches - to see her ever more tattered and broken under the constant onslaught of all that is evil. Sexual immorality is rampant; homes are broken, drunkenness is everywhere, drugs and their culture of crime are tearing her apart from the underside, and corruption and power-hungriness bloating her from above. And her one hope - the church of Christ actually functioning as His body: His hands and feet moving and embracing and healing and bringing light and truth, showing what lives lived with purpose in true community can be - is asleep, caught in mediocrity, comfortable with little more than a vague spirituality, yearning perhaps for something more but not enough as to get up off the sofa and pursue it. All too soon the church will die as it has in Europe if we do not beseech the mercy of God Almighty and sacrifice greatly for her continue life here. God will not stop moving - but He may bring judgment rather than mercy.

I don't care who you are, where you're from, what your job is. God wants to use you. He wants to pour out His mercy on the people of the world - and that includes right here in America. He wants to pour out His strength on your life, His grace and favor (not necessarily in a material sense), not so that you keep it for yourself, but so that you liberally pour it into the lives of the hopeless, dying, lost, confused, broken people who surround you every day. You don't have to change the whole world. You do have to change your world. So get up, go: invite your neighbor over for hamburgers, just because they are your neighbor - not as a project, but because you love them as Christ loves them. Explain the gospel to your coworkers, and pray for them - labor in prayer for them. Talk to your classmates about why you believe what you believe, and when a professor says something wrong - say so!

Our brothers and sisters in persecuted nations are willing to die for the gospel. Why? Because they know what they have been given, how precious a gift it is. Most of the time, we're unwilling to sacrifice even the comfort of security of others' opinions of us for His name.

But there is fire waiting to pour down, if we will ask for it... fire from Heaven, kindling hearts that are cold, making what is stone into flesh anew, pouring hope where their is only despair. He will come if we ask Him.

So, please - I beseech you - ask. Ask without ceasing. Ask for revival, renewal: starting in the body of Christ, and then - as we are emboldened, impassioned, and strengthened - moving out into a dark and thirsty land with light and the very waters of life. It is not too great a thing: for we have this same Spirit in us who raised Christ from the dead, the same power and authority on us that called down fire from heaven to consume an altar whole and destroy the idolatry of Baal, the same power and boldness that shook the world in the first century, that has shaken the world in every century since. No, no indeed: Christ shall overcome the world, and we may be His hands as he does so. But it requires faith: actually believing, really, truly believing, that what we believe is really real, is true, is reality deeper than what our eyes can see.

I believe. I pray. I dare to hope. Believe, pray, hope with me - in Christ.

God is moving.

- Chris