This is a draft. I very much want your feedback. I think it is going to be set to music as a hymn of sorts, so think of it that way—it has to be singable. That makes for a good, helpful, challenging constraint on poetic language. Help me make it better.
Holy, holy, holy are you Lord
Exalted one, the ancient of days
Glory, glory, glory to the King
Awesome in power and mighty to save
Torrent pours from the sky
Waves rising, cresting, tumbling
Tempest and shadow and storm
The heavens flash to white
The works of men's hands crumble
Night fills the midday sky
The earth trembles in its depths
The temple curtain rent and torn
And dead men walk alive
God the Man bought hope by death
Holy, holy, holy are you Lord
Exalted one, the ancient of days
Glory, glory, glory to the King
Awesome in power and mighty to save
Dawn coming splits the sky
The veil of night is sundered
The final curtain rent and torn
Horns shout aloud their cry
Ten thousand thousands thunder
Holy, holy, holy are you Lord
Exalted one, the ancient of days
Glory, glory, glory to the King
Awesome in power and mighty to save
No mourning, or sorrow, or tears
An unending offer of praise
No wars, no arguments, no fear
Hope and joy, gladness and love
And knowing God for all our days
Holy, holy, holy are you Lord
Exalted one, the ancient of days
Glory, glory, glory to the King
Awesome in power and mighty to save
I like it, more the second time I read it. The only thing that I would immediately suggest is that the line "And knowing God for all our days" jarred me for some reason. Perhaps it's just me, but I think it's because the other verses are so uniquely written that such a common line (maybe the one before it, too) looked out of place.
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