Just some questions I've been mulling over (in no particular order, and expecting no particular answers):
Why I am here at the Institute? Not in a general sense (I know that God has called me here; even in this questioning I have absolute assurance of that) but in a specific sense. Why this place at this time? What purpose has He in this? What, precisely, is He doing in me in this season? How is He using this in the bigger scheme of things? What am I supposed to be getting in the midst of this? I'm not here for the reasons most others are; that much is clear. I'm not dealing with the same things; I'm not confronting the same struggles and issue. I'm certainly no better than the others here; but I am in a different place. So why am I here?
Why I am here at the Institute? Not in a general sense (I know that God has called me here; even in this questioning I have absolute assurance of that) but in a specific sense. Why this place at this time? What purpose has He in this? What, precisely, is He doing in me in this season? How is He using this in the bigger scheme of things? What am I supposed to be getting in the midst of this? I'm not here for the reasons most others are; that much is clear. I'm not dealing with the same things; I'm not confronting the same struggles and issue. I'm certainly no better than the others here; but I am in a different place. So why am I here?
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Why do guys not stand up and lead the way they ought to? Don't get me wrong; I see guys here and there doing it. But overall, the pattern I see is lethargy and laziness, a general malaise that has slipped into our culture and our way of life until at last we lounge about, doing little - and nothing of consequence. Where are the men who will rise up with passion and righteous anger to defend the family? Where are the courageous men who will valiantly fight for the Gospel and the redemption of a fallen culture? Where are the men who will come to their feet with a shout and stand firm over issues of right and wrong? Where are the men who will dare to lead in their relationship with the woman in their lives?
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Why do we play these emotional games with each other? I see so many guys stringing girls along. They're "just friends" - but they talk for an hour and a half every night. If the guy is interested, get up and pursue! As my pastor in Colorado Springs has often said (about many things), there comes a time when we simply need to fish or cut bait. This dilly-dallying in the middle is folly; and it brings pain. Why do the girls put up with it? Why do they let guys string them along when there are other men waiting to pursue them - but who won't, because the girl is interested in the other guy. The one she's "just friends" with. Why do we use each other like that, to fulfill our emotional needs without the necessary commitment? [There is a place for guy-girl friendships, as I have written before - but we as guys in particular need to not be a hindrance to the girl we're friends with or to other guys. If I am keeping a guy from pursuing a girl I'm not romantically interested in by my friendship with her, I need to get out of the way, plain and simple.] Why do we keep toying with each other, instead of dealing with each other seriously, realizing the impact we can and often do have on each other's lives?
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Why am I doing this - right now, at this time? Why am I sitting here blogging? Do people read this? Why did I get asked if I wanted to review books? My readership doesn't justify that. Not at all. I'm not influential; people don't pay attention to what I write overall. [Which is fine by me.] Why? [Side note: yes, I've been asked to do some book reviews beyond those I have done so far, possibly including some interviews with the authors. I'll let you know when those are coming.] Why am I doing this?
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
Why has God called me the way He has? Why am I the one that He has chosen for the things He has, for the calls He has laid on my heart? It is certainly nothing in me; of myself I'm a rather tragic figure - prideful, stubborn, obnoxious, and at times far too serious and intellectual. Why did He make me this way? For what purpose have I been formed as I am, and for what reason have I been set apart the way I have? And where are those who will walk alongside me this way, who share the passions and the vision that He has laid on my heart? How am I to walk forward, to carry out all that He has called me to? And where, precisely, is forward from here?
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
I don't know the answers to any of those questions. And that's okay with me.
I'm tired, right now.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day; indeed, this will be a long weekend to end a long week. Yet God's grace is sufficient - indeed, far more than sufficient - to meet my every need.
Ascribe to the Lord, you heavenly host
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name;
worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness!
- Psalm 29:1-2
God bless you all. May you be kept in His perfect peace - the peace that surpasses all understanding - this night. My prayers are with you.
- Chris
That's a lot of questions. As for the questions regarding of guys and gals, the relationship issues makes mathematics look like a piece of cake in comparision. Although I'm a romantic at heart, I had been in love with someone that got complicated for a bit, which somehow burned me in a way. It's somewhat hard to explain on this comment. To make the long story short, the guy finally liked me back but I realized a few things and I had to come in terms with several issues so no romantic relationship has been formed. However, let's not give up despite of the frustration.
ReplyDeleteHope things will be well.
Xeres
i love this post, Chris.
ReplyDeleteinteresting finding yourself surrounded by others who are in a different "place."
it may be something that all the sudden "clicks" and you realize, "Oh! THIS is why i'm here!"
or it may be more subtle.
are you keeping a daily journal? it may be interesting if you do to read back over it at the end of the summer ... or in a year ... and find how amazingly God transformed you before your very eyes in such a way you were unable to clearly see while in the "changing" :)
amazing ... God created men strong, to be leaders; Satan has seeped into society and told them they are weak, followers. God created women to be strong, to be the wind beneath the wings of their husbands and also co-leaders in the home and over their children; Satan has told us we're better than men and need no one else - which has weakened us. and he's so crafty ... and patient ... he has slowly seeped one tiny lie at a time into our society and culture and lives ... and they've been around so long we believe them.
and you know, God trusts you, Chris; He trusts you. my mentor told me that often. i found the verse to back it up once but can't find it again ... yet ... but it is biblical. God trusts you ... that's why He has called you out and is making you righteous and equipping you ... because He trusts you with what He has prepared for you in your path.