If I stand

God has opened my eyes again, recently, to all He has done. It was not harsh, not fierce: a gentle touch, washing over me, swelling in my heart - gratitude born anew as the Spirit brought me to ponder all that He has done. He saved me.

He saved me.

Incredible. I remembered, the other night, the last years and all that God has done in them. I thought about where I am, and where I could be - would be - were it not for His grace. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. He saved me. I cannot get past that. I could have been in such a dark place - but He, in His infinite mercy, reached down and picked me up, rescued me from my own corruption and depravity, and deigned to make me like Him - to remake me in His image.

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things

As I was drifting off to sleep, I nearly cried. I caught a picture of who I've been saved from being: a glimpse of the kind of pointless existence I could be living. But I'm not: He saved me. He destroyed my arrogance, continues to do so. He humbled me, does so more every day. He strips down my ego and turns me to live for His glory in increasing measure moment by moment.

He is the God of glory. He is the God whose name is Jealous. He is a consuming fire. He is God with us. He is Almighty. He is I Am That I Am. He is incomparable. He is my friend.

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

I was lonely, the other night - and at the oddest time. I'd had an incredible day: time with friends, time with Jaimie, time where some women honored many of us young men around the BSU: all of it wonderful and filled with fellowship. Yet I was lonely. And the world was too noisy for me. My heart ached to be with God, no longer separated. I hungered for true silence, so that I could contemplate, meditate, resuscitate my soul. And the world was noisy.

Oh how my soul longs for that day, that glorious day, when every sin is stripped away, when I am who I am meant to be: a clear and pure reflection of Christ, all that I have foolishly layered on top of that gone at last so that His glory truly will be my one true end.

It is grace that has carried me this far and grace that will carry me home. Praise be to the God and Father of all, whose grace is enough for our every need.

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

Sometimes I taste it: I take a breath and then have it catch in my throat - a taste of life as it might be, could be, should be! I have no words to truly describe it: like the first gleam of morning over a high mountain peak, like the scent of the air after a spring rain, like the smell of wildflowers in June, like the savor of snow falling in December, like the crisp colors of fall: when our hearts for a moment leap to the higher plane they were meant for and see this world as God sees it:

Broken, but being mended as His kingdom comes rushing in. Tragedy being remade into a glorious victory for God and His people. Tears slowly being wiped away. That which is torn being repaired, that which is old being made new, that which is dead being made alive.

The incarnation was not just for the sake of the cross. With the birth of Christ, all creation began being redeemed: for God had become simultaneously Creator and created, encompassed in human form but uncontained and unconstrained and all-encompassing in a single moment. And in that moment the old world started rushing out and the new one flooding in, and so it does still today: through you and me and every Christ-follower in all the world.

I want to see the world that way all the time. I want to see my fellow believers see the world that way all the time.

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

How great, how glorious, this task we have been given. We are His ambassadors in this present age! God reconciled us to Christ - and then (oh incomparable weight, a weight of responsibility, of glory divine!) He bestowed on us the ministry of reconciliation. On you. On me.

Tears fill my eyes as I write. He gave this task to us. He trusts us with this greatest of tasks, and the weight of its glory is too much. I cannot comprehend it. It is only His grace that I am His, only His grace that I walk with Him, only His grace that I can share Him. And He trusts me - trusts you - trusts all of us - with being His ambassadors: gives us the ministry of reconciliation.

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

I am anxious for heaven - but I am not ready to go Home yet. I have work to accomplish in this land where I sojourn for a time. There are souls to be won, hearts to be enkindled and rekindled, passions to be stirred, communities to renew, a church to serve, and the glory of God to be shown - writ large across every page of my life. Sometimes I shall weep with longing for my home; and sometimes I shall weep with longing that others may join me there; and sometimes I will weep (and shout) for joy that others have come to the glorious path we walk in fellowship with God Himself.

And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we might walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)

(If I Stand, Rich Mullins)

- Chris