Two songs to essentially sum up my life right now:
blessed be Your name / on the road marked with suffering / though there's pain in the offering / blessed be Your name // every blessing You pour out I'll / turn back to praise / though the darkness closes in Lord / still I will say // blessed be the name of the Lord / blessed be Your name / blessed be the name of the Lord / blessed be Your glorious name
And:
I was sure by now, God You would have reached down / and wiped our tears away / stepped in and saved the day. / But once again, I say amen / and it's still raining / as the thunder rolls / I barely hear You whisper through the rain, / "I'm with you" / and as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise / the God who gives and takes away. // And I'll praise you in this storm / and I will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where I am / and every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm // I remember when I stumbled in the wind / You heard my cry to You / and raised me up again / my strength is almost gone how can I carry on / if I can't find You / and as the thunder rolls / I barely hear You whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / and as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise / the God who gives and takes away // And I'll praise you in this storm / and I will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where I am / and every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm // I lift my eyes unto the hills / where does my help come from? / My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth / I lift my eyes unto the hills / where does my help come from? / My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth // And I'll praise you in this storm / and I will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where I am / and every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm //
I am tired, and hurting. But I will praise Him. I am weak, and wounded, and oh so very lonely. But I will praise Him. I begin to understand just a hint of what Job meant when he said, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..." I sometimes question why I ought to keep loving people so deeply. I see no reward in it other than pain. I do it because my God and King has said to. It is difficult, at times, for the simple reason that I grow weary of pain, of anguish, of sorrow. And all of those mark my life over these past months. Yet I have sought to be made like my Savior; what then should I expect? That I would live a happy, easy life? Hardly. He was a Man of sorrow who was well-acquainted with grief. One need only look at the lives of those who followed Him closest to see the cost that following Him closely had. Persecution, martyrdom, or exile awaited all of them. Why should we expect our pursuit of Him to be without cost?
I don't necessarily think this most recent turn is an essential part of that cost. It is a result of people's choices. My own, and another's. I failed. That person failed. Where is the blame? It does not matter. What matters is that we go on honoring God from this point forward. I do not yet understand what that looks like, but I know that God has a way. I don't know what else to say. I've done my part as best I could, and there has been plenty of failure on my part. I do not think things had to go this way. But I will not question God. I know that He has allowed this. Was it His perfect will? Honestly, I don't know. It doesn't sit right with me, doesn't ring true. But He has allowed it. That is enough.
Be blessed. Tomorrow's post will be one of joy, because I will not reflect on myself beyond this point till after Christmas. There is a time and a season for everything under the sun, and the time for reflection on self has, at least for now, come to an end, so that instead this space might point to the glory of the Incarnation.
Side note: prayers for my computer situation would be good. I'm writing this from my dad's PC because my own is no longer working. For those of you with technological knowledge, it's not even getting through the POST sequence. Preliminary diagnostics indicate that it's a video card failure; we're checking the system with another card tonight. If it's not the video card, then it's the motherboard. I'm hoping for the video card, because I can replace that for less than $50. If it's the motherboard, I'm calling it quits on this computer and getting a new one. Which is expensive, because what I need to replace it with will run be about $2000. If that's the case, God will provide. On which note, any prayers for provision for me in general right now would be appreciated, as I need more work.
God bless you all!
- Chris
blessed be Your name / on the road marked with suffering / though there's pain in the offering / blessed be Your name // every blessing You pour out I'll / turn back to praise / though the darkness closes in Lord / still I will say // blessed be the name of the Lord / blessed be Your name / blessed be the name of the Lord / blessed be Your glorious name
And:
I was sure by now, God You would have reached down / and wiped our tears away / stepped in and saved the day. / But once again, I say amen / and it's still raining / as the thunder rolls / I barely hear You whisper through the rain, / "I'm with you" / and as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise / the God who gives and takes away. // And I'll praise you in this storm / and I will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where I am / and every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm // I remember when I stumbled in the wind / You heard my cry to You / and raised me up again / my strength is almost gone how can I carry on / if I can't find You / and as the thunder rolls / I barely hear You whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / and as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise / the God who gives and takes away // And I'll praise you in this storm / and I will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where I am / and every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm // I lift my eyes unto the hills / where does my help come from? / My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth / I lift my eyes unto the hills / where does my help come from? / My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth // And I'll praise you in this storm / and I will lift my hands / for You are who You are / no matter where I am / and every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm //
I am tired, and hurting. But I will praise Him. I am weak, and wounded, and oh so very lonely. But I will praise Him. I begin to understand just a hint of what Job meant when he said, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..." I sometimes question why I ought to keep loving people so deeply. I see no reward in it other than pain. I do it because my God and King has said to. It is difficult, at times, for the simple reason that I grow weary of pain, of anguish, of sorrow. And all of those mark my life over these past months. Yet I have sought to be made like my Savior; what then should I expect? That I would live a happy, easy life? Hardly. He was a Man of sorrow who was well-acquainted with grief. One need only look at the lives of those who followed Him closest to see the cost that following Him closely had. Persecution, martyrdom, or exile awaited all of them. Why should we expect our pursuit of Him to be without cost?
I don't necessarily think this most recent turn is an essential part of that cost. It is a result of people's choices. My own, and another's. I failed. That person failed. Where is the blame? It does not matter. What matters is that we go on honoring God from this point forward. I do not yet understand what that looks like, but I know that God has a way. I don't know what else to say. I've done my part as best I could, and there has been plenty of failure on my part. I do not think things had to go this way. But I will not question God. I know that He has allowed this. Was it His perfect will? Honestly, I don't know. It doesn't sit right with me, doesn't ring true. But He has allowed it. That is enough.
Be blessed. Tomorrow's post will be one of joy, because I will not reflect on myself beyond this point till after Christmas. There is a time and a season for everything under the sun, and the time for reflection on self has, at least for now, come to an end, so that instead this space might point to the glory of the Incarnation.
Side note: prayers for my computer situation would be good. I'm writing this from my dad's PC because my own is no longer working. For those of you with technological knowledge, it's not even getting through the POST sequence. Preliminary diagnostics indicate that it's a video card failure; we're checking the system with another card tonight. If it's not the video card, then it's the motherboard. I'm hoping for the video card, because I can replace that for less than $50. If it's the motherboard, I'm calling it quits on this computer and getting a new one. Which is expensive, because what I need to replace it with will run be about $2000. If that's the case, God will provide. On which note, any prayers for provision for me in general right now would be appreciated, as I need more work.
God bless you all!
- Chris
I love that first song, haven't heard the second.
ReplyDeleteWhatever your situation, don't be so hard on yourself. I think for a guy your age you show an amazing amount of fortitude and devotion to your God. I am sure He honors that.
Merry Christmas
For lillee... if you still haven't heard the second song you can find it at this link PraiseYouInTheStorm.
ReplyDeleteIt is an tremendous song that reflects the AWESOME character of our loving Father. May you be blessed.